I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
