dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
