I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
