So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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