Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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