I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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