My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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