If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The power of my boobs compel you
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
