im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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