im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
