so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
