I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
