I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
