Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
