Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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