My liver just broke up with me...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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