remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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