We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
