Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
