i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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