The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
