tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
