Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
What a dumb baby whore.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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