I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
