i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
