my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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