Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she looked like the before picture.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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