Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
