My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
