it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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