I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
