tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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