her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
