My nipple is on Facebook.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
