But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
