sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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