I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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