I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
