I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
