You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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