her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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