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yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.