The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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