i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.