see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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