I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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