She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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