In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
