The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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