I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
