Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there's paper in my vomit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
