I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
