my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
