I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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