my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
