I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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