Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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