i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
