youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
